Embracing onlyness
For as long as I can remember, I have always been an only in the room. I define onlys as individuals who feel othered or different from those around them. This feeling of onlyness could emerge in any environment - school, work, family. Have you ever felt this way?
Historically, many of our systems in the United States and Europe have stemmed from a cisgender, white, male perspective. This is often classified as the norm, the status quo; anything outside of that is typically labeled different and not fitting in with the group.
In workplaces, these voices are often the ones most listened to. These individuals frequently hold the best titles and are promoted to leadership most often.
As Adam Galinsky and Joe McGee mention in Social Hierarchy, Power and status act as reinforcing loops: how much status a person has directly affects whether their idea is heard.
I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a change.
My Experience with Onlyness
As a transracial adoptee, I’ve spent my entire life navigating systems and environments that simply weren’t built for me.
I’ve never fit just one box. As a self described “job hopper” in the tech industry, I navigated different roles and organizations quickly, often assimilating myself as I ran towards the next best thing. I’ve worn many hats in my career ranging from Learning Designer, Product Manager, User Researcher. Rising the ranks quickly, I made it to VP of User Research by the age of 29. I often adapted myself along the way, fitting in to match the social norms around me. It worked - until it didn’t.
I found myself facing burnout after years of code-switching and being asked to “prove my worth” in systems that didn’t value my basic humanity. These environments said, “We value you but only if you act in this certain way.”
Over the last few years, I’ve slowly made shifts. It didn’t happen all at once, but looking back, I realize I dismantled my entire life from the inside out. I’ve rebuilt my relationships with myself, friends, family, and work. It’s been scary and necessary work, and I’m constantly becoming a new version of myself everyday.
This is why I’ve dedicated my coaching practice to helping level the playing field at work. I believe that there are leaders at every level and everyone should have access to thrive, not just survive, at work.
The Toll of Onlyness
When I work with clients, I hear similar experiences. I hear things like: “I feel like an imposter”, “Im not qualified enough”, or “I feel disposable”.
And it makes sense. We have businesses that view their employees as “human capital” or “human resources”, a means to an end. They're divesting resources that would support their employees, asking them to constantly do more with less and letting them go in the latest RIF to save numbers for investors.
It takes a toll, and we’re witnessing it already. Gallup’s recent State of the Global Workplace report shared that only 23% of the worlds employees are engaged at work, and 20% experience loneliness on a daily basis.
As human beings were socially wired for connection. When our needs for connection and belonging aren’t met, it has devastating impacts on us as individuals, including on our physical and mental health. It also has devastating impacts for our businesses.
How to Rewrite the Script on Onlyness
When we grow up, most of us look to the outside world to identity whether we have value - this is an outside-in approach. When we do this, we give our power away. We conform rather than staying true to our values and what makes us unique. When we lack the ability to show up as our true selves, we also lack the ability to innovate and generate new ideas.
When I work with clients, I encourage them to take an inside-out approach. It’s the belief that you already have value within you, and as you give value to yourself, others will see it and value it as much as you do. What does it look like in practice?
Claim what you care about: Identify your unique values. When you clarify your values, you can begin to honor them and turn them into an intentional framework when carrying out life decisions.
Identify the spot where only you can stand: You can do anything in the world, but what is the thing that only YOU can do? This requires a level of conscious awareness and knowing yourself, your strengths, and where you're still growing.
Find people who care about the same things as you: There’s courage in community. As you uncover your values, you can naturally pull people in to your orbit who share similar values and see your uniqueness as a strength
Recognize the humanness in others: As you meet people who may have different perspectives and backgrounds, recognize, and honor their humanity. Acknowledge who they are, their strengths, and what makes them special rather, than othering them.
Have a personal experience with Onlyness? Know that you’re not alone. What others see as different about you is often your unique superpower. Don’t hesitate to connect - I’d love to hear from you!
