Why control doesn’t always work

A common theme I hear from coaching clients is some version of: “If I just try harder, this will work.”

If I work longer hours…

If I fix my mindset…

If I keep everyone happy…

If I can just control the outcome…

Then everything will fall into place.

It’s a story that many of us were taught to believe from a young age: success is the result of effort and if something isn’t working, you have to push more.

The truth is control doesn’t always work and trying harder isn’t always the answer.

Control is often rooted in fear. Fear of failure, of not being enough, of what happens if we let go. Control gives us the illusion of safety. It feels productive. It gives us something to DO when the unknown is unbearable.

Control has a shadow side. It keeps you stuck in cycles of burnout. It prevents you from investigating the real issue, perhaps you're trying to force something that isn’t truly in alignment.

If this sounds familiar, here’s a few things to consider:

1. Trying harder is not the same as trusting more.

There’s a quiet strength in knowing when to stop forcing something and start listening instead. Listening to your body, your values, your intuition. Sometimes what’s needed is space and grace.

2. You can’t control everything, but you can choose how you respond.

You can’t control the market. Or your boss’s reaction. Or what your in-laws think. But you can choose how you show up. You can choose boundaries, rest, alignment, honesty. That response is rooted in choice, not fear. It’s far more sustainable than trying to manage everything externally.

3. Surrender is wisdom.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means loosening your grip on the things that aren’t yours to carry. It means trusting that clarity will come, not always on your timeline, but in its own way. It means remembering that growth often happens in the space between effort and release.

So if you’re feeling like you’ve tried everything and still feel stuck, I want to offer you this:

What if the invitation isn’t to do more, but to let go a little?

To soften.

To pause.

To make space for a new way forward.

Because control may give us temporary relief, but it rarely leads to long-term peace.

And often, what we’re truly longing for isn’t more control.

It’s more trust.